Jonna

Jonna. My sweet friend Jonna. She got diagnosed with cancer when I was in Haliburton. I realized when I saw her in March when she told me that she knew she wasn’t going to make it until August that this would be the last time I would get to be with her. To hang out in front of a Dutch café, taking in the spring sun and talk about nothing and everything. She was so easy to be around and so difficult at the same time. She’s had a big influence in my life and I will always love her for it. I cannot believe I am about to lose one of the most important people in my life. We talk about life and about shoes. She was a shoe addict and for the first time in our lives together she has stopped buying shoes because there is no point in buying shoes anymore. I will miss her a lot, and when I have to say goodbye because I am going back to Canada, we cry. She gives me a ring that she knows will never fit me and brings me to the train station.

When I received the dreaded phone call months later everything sort of stopped. I stopped working, caring, laughing and I stopped being myself. I was just trying to get through the days, trying not to think about her and about all the things we did together. But it was hopeless. All I could do was think about her. After a few weeks it was still the same. The beach, the trees and all the music in the world reminded me of her. I didn’t talk to her anymore in the last month before she died. She was too far gone, and we were never good phone or email friends anyway. When we saw each other it just sort of picked back up where we left it the year before. It was always so much fun. Grieving feels so selfish. You are sad about what you don’t have anymore, but for her it all just got way better.

I didn’t want to throw clay anymore. I didn’t want to do anything anymore.